Hello viewers from around the world, My name is Newsy McNewsperson and today we are at Mount Everest Base Camp on a clear day in beautiful Nepal! Today folks, we’ll be watching Richard Rider, the greatest stuntman of our time, jump the whole 29,000 feet of Mount Everest! 

Richard has suffered from a troubled past, he was bullied his whole childhood by cruel nicknames from his despicable schoolmates, but rose out of it through his love of BMX and 90’s counter-culture. Richard began to gain great fame in his early twenties as he attempted crazier and crazier stunts, from jumping the Grand Canyon in a Fisher Price car that you have to power with your feet, to eating the mints at a Brooklyn Restaurant. You can say Richard has done it all, but he’s had his eye on Mount Everest for a while.

To put it lightly, The odds aren’t in Rider’s favor on this stunt. Experts from our team at Newscorp say that he will need to be going at least 5 Kilometers a second when he launches off the ramp at base camp in order to clear the peak. Our experts estimate that Richard has a likelier chance of getting back together with his ex-wife, Eileen, who he has not talked to in 30 years, than clearing the peak. To put it in perspective, that’s like asking sitting thirty monkeys at typewriters and expecting them to write the complete works of Shakespeare in two hours. Keep in mind, these are very stupid monkeys.

We’re going live now to Chinny McChinnerson at the top of the ramp with Rider’s personal manager, A Texan man with a ten gallon hat, two pistols with rhinestones and an unlit cigarette, or as he likes to be called, Gumpy.

Thank Newsy, now Gumpy, what preparation has gone into preparing Richard for his big jump?
Well Chinny wunce you geet to know Rickard Ridurr you will find out he’s an inturusting man with expurtise in many-a-field. Yessir Rickard Is one mighty fine ball playur and on helluva luvver let me tell you that. But what Rickard has that most men don’t got is the guts and the vigur to go out there and kick Mount Everest’s buttocks!

A very animated Gumpy is certainly ready for his clients’ big jump. Now let’s go back to you Newsy, as we are fifteen seconds from lift off/

Thank you Chinny, and the countdown is starting, 5, 4, 3 , 2, 1, and here we go! Rider begins his drop, he’s picking up speed, going, going, and he’s in the air and he’s climbing up and up, like a man Possessed! He’s just a speck in the sky now, and his meter says he’s going 13 KILOMETERS A SECOND, WOW! And he’s in the mesosphere now, and, and, by god, he’s escaped earth’s atmosphere! I’m getting a transmission from our man on the ISS now, let’s go to Spacey McSpaceperson.

Newsy, I don’t think Rider is coming back. Astronaut McAstronautperson was flipping pancakes earlier and Rider smacking against the station sounded like one of them pancakes. I hate to stay this, but Rider is as frozen as a fudge pop.

Well Spacey, that’s sad to hear. Let’s cut to commercial break, with an interesting ad for the 2020 Ford Explorer!