Allow me to preface my prophecy of the stars by saying that I hate horoscopes. Correlating basic human traits to constellations thought up by our ancestors thousands of years ago is a whole bunch of malarkey. 

Aries:

You will often find in life that the song “Give me Shelter” by The Rolling Stones follows you everywhere. Despite this, you feel a strong urge to be a drifter, even though you have enough funds for a quite spacious apartment. Expect lots of Folgers Coffee in your future.

Taurus:

As you are reading this you may notice you have dry lips. Now, don’t start licking them on me now, boy! Get your dry lips off my horoscope.

Gemini:

You will take your Nissan Altima with a Hula Girl on the front dashboard and run it right into the stinker store on Brumback and Thirteenth. When the angry man who yells at kids for loitering outside asks you why you crashed through the window, you will tell him “I can’t help it, I’m just a Gemini.” He will understand and let you on your way. 

Cancer:

Ironic news for you. You will be hospitalized soon… from a giant crab. 

Leo:

Avast! This be the only word ye know in the coming months for a scallywag and scurvy dog alike have stolen your treasure and booty! You will hoist yar sails and raise the Jolly Roger and search from Nevis to Trinidad for that sacred metal pirates treasure so: GOLD!

Virgo:

Seven years of bountiful harvest will befall the kingdom. There will be great peace and prosperity among your subjects. But it will be short lived as the next seven years will bring fallow fields and famine to your lands. You must save your grain in this time, for should you not heed my warning, the Kingdom of Egypt will surely fall the way of many great civilizations before it. 

Libra:

You love Tik Tok like, so so so much, like OMG OMG, I can’t BELIEVE what Charli just posted. OMG did she do the crossbar challenge? That is SO Charli tsktsktkstkstks and I OOP—!!!

Scorpio:

Cheesy Hamburger.

Sagittarius:

You will run like the wind, wild, and free from your annoying landlord who is trying to collect debt from you and is threatening eviction since you haven’t paid your rent in 4 months. You will neglect getting a job and instead go on Reddit and complain about capitalism to people who are in the same place as you. You deserve to get evicted by the way.

Capricorn:

You live your life by one philosophy: country girls make do. Doesn’t matter if you’re a man, woman, non-binary. However you identify; country girls make do. 

Aquarius:

You can breathe underwater. Seriously, go try it.

Pisces: 

You cannot stop using Instagram because you absolutely love IGTV. You spend every waking moment on IGTV and cannot stop watching it because you know at some point Drake (from Fortnite) will make an appearance and you have to see it for yourself. When Drake (from Fortnite) finally does come and it will be the happiest moment of your life and then you will get married and have kids and grow old and move into a retirement home and visit your grandkids and watch Thanksgiving football and die.