It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon, say, 4:00pm when she walked into my office. She had a velvet coat,a shiny pink umbrella and boots that looked clean enough to eat my grandma’s famous peach cobbler off of, despite the rain that day. She turned to me and before she could even say her piece, I knew she was desperate.

“I have nowhere else to turn, someone’s been doing me wrong, I just know it!” She said all pouty-like.

“Now you’ve come to the right place, see. I’m the best private eye in the business, see. Now what can I do for you,” I said, giving her my grandpappy’s charm and my father’s eyes.

“My husband’s been treating me wrong, like a gum to the bottom of his shoe. He doesn’t talk to me ever since he made that new friend Donny of his, and it feels like sometimes he doesn’t even remember I exist no more.”

“That sounds mighty peculiar ma’am, I might know a few fellers who might have a thing or two to say to you about your predicament, see.” 

The next day in a dark hoodlum of an alley, I met with my informant, Dirty Nancy. 

“What’cha know about Donny now, Nancy, and don’t you go playing funny games with me now,” I told her sticking my finger almost right up her nose

“I don’t know nothing sir, only I seen Donny in these past few days is when he done scream on the telly-vision with that Joe fella.” She said

“Interesting, it seems that we have a hole at the center of our donut, and I intend to chew to the center. Now Nancy, where do you suppose I can find this Joe fella lurking about, see.”

“By the docks. Midnight, the twelfth. I know they’ll be there sir, just don’t ask me how.”

That fateful day I waited by the docks, and sure enough, at 11:55, there comes Donny, but no Joe! I waited fifteen minutes, and was about to leave when I was grabbed from behind by two goons and they threw me out on the docks, into the bitter moonlight of the twelfth. 

“Gosh dangit, I knew you two were in league!” I said as Joe stepped out from behind a crate with Nancy close behind him.

“It was either my hubby’s head or turnin’ you in, sir, I had no choice but to,” she said all fraudulent-like. 

“Now sir, you must know that we have the best and most important people that not only I have ever seen handling this Covid business, but those same people are also handling our reelection campaigns!” said Donny villainously.

“Now here’s the deal, America has a two party system, and who are you going to vote for instead of us, Jo Jorgensen?!” said Joe as they both laughed maniacally.

“You despicable men, you take me for a fool? I may not have the best minds and wits, I may be from a podunk town in Alabama, I may have not passed the fourth grade, I MAY have not learned my Numbers, I MAY HAVE NOT heard of the sun, I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT THE SKY IS but I do know one thing. MY MOMMA MAKES THE BEST DARN PEACH COBBLER YOU DONE NEVER SEEN!” 

“And this is relevant how?” said Donny, stupefied.

“You’ll never see it coming, but you ain’t half as stupid as me,” I said triumphantly, “America loves stupid, and once they see you’re smart, that he lot of you are all smart, I’ll be king of this country, you here me! I’ll be president for TWENTY YEARS!” 

And that kids, is the first chapter in our storybook, “AOC and Ben Shapiro, the Reckoning.” Be sure to come back next week for the library book club! There’s snacks on the table on your way out.