I don’t know why I wanted to do this. It was a bad idea through and through, not one of those ideas that you think of in the shower that sounds good in the moment, but later you realize is stupid. This is an idea that I immideatly recognized as idiotic and still went through with it. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done, it took more effort than running a 5k, and it left me out of breath and unable to move my body. I don’t know why I ate five Big Macs in one sitting, but here’s the story. 

Originally the plan was to eat a 2183 calorie milkshake from Baskin Robbins, a Heath Bar milkshake. Unfortunately that item has not existed since 2013 for obvious reasons, including morbidly obese people misreading it as a ‘Health Bar milkshake’ and subsequently exploding upon finishing it. However, after realizing my lack of disgusting food to eat, I finally decided to consume five Big Macs, or 2815 calories. If I was going to eat this much food, I needed a plan.

It went like this: on Friday, I ate breakfast, and didn’t eat for the rest of the day. Then, I decided I was going to eat the burgers as fast as possible. There’s about a ten minute delay between eating something and really feeling it in your stomach, and that was going to give me enough time to get through the first three relatively easily, but from then on it was going to be a struggle. 

My friend Aidan picked me up on Saturday at two. He was to be my rock throughout this experience, with constant encouragement like: “I can’t believe you’re doing this,” and “there’s no way you’re gonna finish five big macs.”

I started my journey with lightning pace, but began to slow down at burger three. By halfway through burger four I began to realise that I did not have enough space for all five. I took these next bites one at a time, willing myself to finish, sweating profusely, the intense labor of the task coagulating on my forehead. I put the last few bites in my mouth, and laid my head down on the table, exhausted but proud. 

Would I recommend this experience? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do not do this, like, seriously. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life, I gained like 5 pounds in like 25 minutes, it was extremely uncomfortable. But I’m glad I did it, it shows my strong mental fortitude, resilience, and iron gut.