There are a lot of important questions out in the world, but by far the most important one is who would win in an epic battle between Jeffery  Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg?

Personally, I wish this fight would actually happen; Billionaires get it too easy. It would be great if we could just throw the two human-hating, money-lovers into a colosseum and watch them fight to the death.

But alas. It seems that as long as you’re not a member of the one percent, you are bound to the realm of ethics.  So instead, we get to use my writing skills to paint a beautiful picture of the hypothetical event. Before we get into the real fun, let’s take a look at the contestants. 

First up is Jeff Bezos! What a man! We love to hate him, hate to love him. When you look into lifeless, tired eyes, it becomes abundantly clear that money doesn’t buy happiness and it definitely doesn’t buy a wife who stays married to you . And I personally don’t believe in making fun of appearances so I’m not going to touch that. But trust me, if I didn’t hold myself to such high standards, there would be a lot to make fun of. 

Now for the lovely Mark Zuckerberg! The alien who graced us with an app that has been proven to ruin mental health and lets my grandpa post racist memes? What more could you want? At just twenty three in human years, he became a billionaire and hasn’t aged a day since. Probably because they forgot to add age to his programming when they sent him to earth. But boy are we lucky to have him because who else could give us the possibility of our own dystopian virtual future?  

Now, for the fight. So it may seem like Bezos has the upper hand. He’s got some buff forearms believe it or not. (Side note: I’ve now seen way too many shirtless pictures of Bezos from my research. Conclusion? He needs to keep his shirt on.) But I believe Zuckerberg actually has all the advantages. 

First of all, both billionaires have a whopping height of… five feet and seven inches. So of course the battle has to start with an intense staring contest since they’re right at eye level. Five seconds into this, Zuckerberg is crying. Can’t tell you why, but he seems like a cryer. 

Obviously this is going to throw Bezos’ fragile masculinity off the loop so boom, one point Zuckerberg. 

That’s when things get physical. Bezos is slow and strong but Zuckerberg has hidden lizard skin. He’s related to Godzilla so the punches don’t hurt. Then while Bezos is distracted punching away, Zuckerberg stares off into space moisturizing his eyeballs with his tongue as he searches through all the data he stores in his mind until he finds Bezos. Your favorite conspiracy, that one product you thought about briefly and never said it outloud, your elementary school friends- he’s got everything and Bezos is no different. 

“Nobody liked your rocket,” he says. Bezos breaks down. He thought overcompensating was a cool thing to do. It is not. 

And that’s why Mark Zuckerberg would win. The end.