Is it better to be single or in a relationship? This question has puzzled top-of-the-line anthropologists for decades. As the leading scientist of the love field, my team and I worked restlessly to solve this great enigma. Most importantly, our studies were ethical and legal. Although I’ve been single my whole life, I have plenty of experience with relationships, as I have been involved in second-hand relationships, third-wheeling, and more.

To conduct my research, I interviewed some of the locals at Boise High, but I just knew that I wasn’t getting the full picture. The singles claimed that being single was better while the couples claimed that being in a relationship was better. Something just wasn’t adding up. Utilizing my knowledge of human behavior, I came to the profound conclusion that some of these people were lying. Furthermore, my colleagues agreed with me. Our thought process was if you’re dating someone, openly stating that being in a relationship sucks is deleterious to your relationship.

At this point, my team and I knew that we couldn’t trust what people were telling us. We ended up relying more on incognito observation and eavesdropping than direct surveying. I observed many couples that were holding hands, smooching, hugging, cuddling, and engaging in other ‘saucy’ activities. Why these couples felt the need to smother each other with affection, I do not know. However, as a love scientist, I made sure not to just look on the surface. I saw through the illusion of lust and hormones and took note of the sweaty feet, moist hands, and bad breath that were exchanged during these romantic interactions. Although I don’t condone bad behavior, it’s true that couples often get slandered for their public displays of affection (PDA) by their peers.  On top of that, we see a lot of evidence that unsingle people have a much higher chance of getting diseases like alopecia areata, mono, and cooties than single people. Many of my critics and family members claim that I’m unhygienic or that I also have a condition called cooties.  If there’s a hate group out to get you and/or you’re unhygienic, you’re probably better off being single.

Through personal experience, I’ve noticed that friendships can become strained due to romance. For example, your friend might go super sonic mode on you because they feel like you’re replacing them. Sadly, if you no longer spend any time with your friend, your friendship will become sad, and then it will wilt like a dead flower. Of course, if you don’t spend enough time with your partner, your relationship will also die. This is why many love scientists like to call romantic relationships, killerlationships.

Let’s talk about stress. Research shows that lovers tend to be less stressed then the single pringles for the first few months of the relationship, and those in relationships are often happier than their single counterparts. For most, that only lasts during the puppy love stage and the settling down stage. Unfortunately, the next stage is the dreaded ‘poopy love’ stage. Couples start fighting and stressing each other out. Everyone feels poopy, and the relationship gets flushed down the toilet. My gut feeling is that 96% of high school relationships end in heartbreak and vitriol. If you’re in that remaining 4% group, you’re either really lucky or there’s something wrong with your relationship.

As a professional in the field, I get lonely being single sometimes, and I’m not the only one. One credible source revealed that he was forced to resort to cuddling with his pillow or dog because he didn’t have a girlfriend to comfort him. I guess that the biggest problem with being single is that you’re single, if that makes any sense. I’ll admit, being single sucks, but my research indicates that for the average Joe Mama, being in a relationship sucks even more.