I was abducted by aliens. It wasn’t like all those movies you’ve seen. Beaming lights didn’t appear out of a UFO and mysteriously lift me. No. I was casually walking down Highway 51 and got chucked into the back of a white van. It was all so sudden, I hadn’t even processed what happened until I saw James Charles in the back of the spacious van. My soul literally left my body when he took off his rubber face, revealing a green head with big black orbs for eyes. It shocked the absolute crab cakes out of me, and I passed out.
Later, I woke up in what looked like a Chuck E. Cheese. Upon further inspection, I realized that it was indeed the childhood restaurant that had scarred me for life. Out of any place aliens could choose from, they chose Chuck E. Cheese, with its freaky mouse robots. I couldn’t believe it. Anyways, the James Charles alien escorted me into the jungle gym to take me to his leader. When I discovered that Trisha Paytas was their leader, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. If anything it made sense. Out of everyone in the world, of course Trisha Paytas would be a secret alien leader. In the middle of her talking with me in the tight capsule of the jungle gym, she whipped out a string cheese and started chomping down on it. I wanted to cry watching her take a huge bite from the top – she didn’t even peel it. At that moment, I didn’t even care that I had been abducted by celebrity aliens. The only thing I was concerned about was that poor cheese getting violated. Taking a full-on-bite out of a string of cheese should be illegal. Absolutely foul.
After that horrid session with Trisha in which I only paid attention to her eating cheese. A slimy limb pushed me down the slide of the jungle jump, into a pit of those stingy, crusty, foam squares that get all over your clothes. I wasn’t alone in that foam pit, there were at least twenty other celebrities there. Margot Robbie, Jennifer Laurence, and even Adam Sandler were all crowded around the three of us who had landed not so gracefully into the crusty square foam pit, the squares were so crusty they were practically hard as rocks. It smelled as though the foam pit hadn’t been cleaned out since the Chuck E. Cheese originally opened. Who knew how much leftover throwup was left in that stank pit.
The conspiracy theorists were right all along. Immediately after I stood up in the foam pit, Gangnam Style started to blare out of the speakers. All the aliens seemed to fall into a trance and ripped off their rubber faces, revealing their big green heads. My vision turned into a blur of green. They seemed to be raging at the song. Some started jumping around and pushing each other while a few others were break dancing. An interesting song choice to mosh to but pop off. I took that as my chance to escape. I swear I saw the Chuck E Cheese mouse move when it saw me flee. But that’s probably the least unusual thing that happened on that fateful day.
