The majority of people today seem to believe that love is no more than a game to be played. This is not to say that people don’t desire love anymore. In fact, it’s the opposite. People watch countless films about love, listen to countless songs, and satisfy their hearts with experiences from other lovers. From this desire stems a search for advice, a guru or expert who can tell those lonely souls the secrets to finding love for themselves.
With access to social media, interpersonal communication is at an all time high. Anyone with an opinion has the ability to share it to the entire world, and many do. People share their ideas of love, their notions and their conceptions, and people listen. What seems like endless talk about ‘red flags’, ‘if he wanted to he would’, ‘never settle’, ‘ick’, and ‘raising standards’ plagues the discourse around love. It becomes a game, a series of boxes to tick and hoops to jump through. One weeds out anything that could be a red flag and acts in a way to prevent their partner or their crush from getting the ‘ick’ in order to become more lovable, without a conscious effort to love more.
Due to said gamification, love becomes passive, not something that someone works towards actively. We dress in ways to make us more desirable to our type, pick up hobbies that others would find interesting, listen to music, watch movies, even drive cars or adopt pets that reflect the image that we believe enhances our draw as a partner. Our efforts towards love perpetuate it as a trap that we set, waiting for the right person to fall for us.
The attitude towards breakups only furthers this idea. When relationships end, people focus on how to improve their lovability by doing their hair, working out, doing their nails, or changing their self care routine – as exemplified by ‘post break-up glow-up’ videos on YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and other platforms. A breakup no longer provides people chances to reflect on themselves, but instead becomes a chance to perfect the trap that they lay.
Instead of focusing on becoming ‘more lovable’, why do we not focus on loving more?
Simply, because it is difficult. Love takes effort to become better at, as does painting, sculpting, or any other art. It requires constant faith, self-reflection, dedication, and most importantly constant practice. Just as one cannot become a prodigious musician by only playing when they feel like it, one cannot become a perfect lover by only loving when it comes easily. Love is an art that requires faith. When love becomes difficult, becomes a trial instead of a cakewalk, is when it’s most important to continue to love. We must have faith that with dedication and effort love will prevail.
Love is about giving, not receiving. Understanding that is essential to loving in a healthy way. In giving love we open ourselves up to our partner, we give them all the things that make up us. We give them our interests, our passions, and our dreams. Most importantly, the channel of giving must run both ways. A common trope on social media, specifically in heterosexual relationships is that the man is the giver, and the woman is the receiver. Videos are uploaded of all of the sweet things that someone’s boyfriend does for them, and the comments fill with things like “why doesn’t my boyfriend do this for me” or “if he wanted to he would”. This only reinforces the idea that loving is passive. Loving equals being loved, which in turn equals getting things. Of course, it feels good to receive and it’s important to be reminded that you are in fact loved, but basing love only on what one receives returns it to a passive commodity.
Further, giving goes beyond material goods. Giving in love is sharing what makes up a person: sharing thoughts, jokes, laughter, joy and sadness. Only by being true and vulnerable with a partner can a person truly feel loved.
