erybody knows about leprechauns, even if you only think of Lucky Charms, but I know the truth about what leprechauns actually are. Let me take you on a journey through how leprechauns truly became synonymous with St. Patrick’s Day and how they exist in our daily lives without you even noticing.
It all started 65 million years ago when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Back then, they were known as globlems, primitive versions of what we now call leprechauns. They lived underground, with long, pointy nails and the iconic pointed ears. Occasionally, they would emerge from the ground to feast before retreating below once again. One day, as a Tyrannosaurus rex was walking, it unknowingly crushed one of the globlems just as they were emerging. This enraged the entire colony. The globlems went on a rampage, slaughtering the dinosaurs. It wasn’t a meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs, it was the infamous globlems. After they had finished their massacre, they retreated under the ocean, disappearing from history. Scientists have found clear evidence of these attacks. Many dinosaur bones contain thrash marks and deep scratches on their legs that could have only been caused by a leprechaun. But the government is hiding the truth from you.
You probably also believe that the Black Death originated from a flea carrying the disease. But no, the textbooks are lying to you. The Black Death was actually caused by the leprechauns when they resurfaced from beneath the ocean. When they emerged, they found a world vastly different from the one they had left, now dominated by humans. The smartest leprechaun scientist, Patrick, quickly got to work. He developed the first biological weapon in 1346, intending to wipe humans off the map. However, not all leprechauns shared his views. Half of them felt remorse after seeing so many humans perish, so they devised a way to make amends. They created rainbows, leading people to pots of gold as a form of compensation.
After Patrick’s failed attempt, he swore vengeance. He became dedicated to ridding the world of humans. As the years passed, conflicts arose until, in 1631, the other leprechauns had had enough. They rebelled against Patrick, overthrowing his tyranny and exiling him to the moon. This event became what we now celebrate as St. Patrick’s Day. Classified government documents confirm this, listing the names of every leprechaun involved in the revolt. President John F. Kennedy became obsessed with Patrick. He made it a national goal to reach the moon, not to explore, but to retrieve Patrick. If only he had known the horrors this would unleash.
On July 16, 1969, the world watched in awe as Apollo 11 landed on the moon. However, the true mission was hidden from the public. Patrick was being brought back. When Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon and planted the American flag, he noticed tiny footprints leading from the dark side of the moon. They turned the cameras away, but small voices can be heard through the static. Emerging from the shadows was Patrick, now with a long beard, a tattered green suit, and toenails protruding from his black-buckled shoes. This moment marked the beginning of a new world. When Patrick returned with the Apollo 11 team, the president greeted him, following the notes left behind by JFK. With full control over the U.S. government, Patrick began his campaign for power. He united the American people against Communism and the Soviet Union, where the rebel leprechauns had gone into hiding. Now, as of 2025, our world is divided into countries, but the government wants you to believe we are all separate. That is
