Prom is the biggest night of some people’s lives. If you are one of those people, you might want to reconsider what’s important in your life. Anyhow, what you wear to prom can be a big signifier whether or not you’re going to have a great night. So think about it really hard.

Tutu: Your miniature dog is named Latisha. You cosplay characters that no one else knows.

Nothing: Your night is going to be short-lived.

Converse (hidden under dress): Do we have to go over this? You are like other girls. And you really aren’t a loser.

Backless dress: You want to expose your vulnerability to all those around you and invite them to stab you.

Anything plaid: The square dance is in the next building over!

Cape: Looks like you’re the one that needs saving.

Lots of sparkles: You are a delight, but only to yourself. You have some mascara under your eyes.

Two piece dress (long): You are afraid of rejection. But you are stronger than you think.

Two piece dress (short): You can’t wait for summer. You love food more than romance!

Slitted dress: You have a martini in your hand at all times, and you’re going to jail

Camouflage: People keep trying to dance with your date because they don’t know you’re there.

Suspenders/ sweater vest: Your hair is probably in a Bieber-hairstyle, and shiny- too shiny. You watch Doctor Who on weeknights with your mom.

Super hero shirt under tux: Oh man, your insta followers are gonna LOVE this!

Deep purple dress or tux: You might be reminiscent of an eggplant, but that’s not necessarily bad.

Crown: You aren’t king or queen yet, honey.

Short in front, long in back: You’re a party

Bowtie: You might be related to Bill Nye, lucky you!

Pantsuit: Get back to your full-time job at a law firm, and stop acting just like your mom. Even though she’s awesome.

Baseball hat: You’re the one bombing everyone’s photos- everyone either doesn’t know you or thinks you’re a moron. Don’t do this to yourself!

Sunglasses: Okay, the disco ball isn’t that bright.

Gray tux: You are a pretty great rebound. Watch out!

Mermaid dress: You could do better than him, and you know it.

Swim cap: …? What do you think you’re doing?

Everyone, remember that prom is slightly less important than marriage, so it hardly matters at all. As long as you wear something, you will be just fine. And if your prom goes horribly, all you have to do is not graduate, and you can experience it again! Good luck!

Short in front, long in back: Your night will be filled with chaos! Refined chaos.

Velvet/cordoruy: Be ready to exerince a  night of chafing delight and handsy dates.