How Not to Get Murdered During Halloween (A Step by Step Guide by Someone Who’s Not Dead Yet)

Skyler Johnson, Reporter

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Step 1. Stay cautious

Start by understanding your usually dark environment and be cautious of your surroundings. If you know someone is following you, approach them first. If they seem unkind or get up in your face, GET UP IN THEIR FACE. You need to act like you’re the delusional psychopath here, and most of the time you can keep going on your way (unless, of course, they kill you).

Step 2. Avoid romance

Ever seen a horror movie? Ya know how the romantic sorts always get got first? So for example if someone asks “Hey, ya wanna make out in the middle of this big dark forest?” Just reply with something like, “Nah, I don’t like getting murdered at two in the morning, but maybe we could get coffee sometime.”

Step 3. Carry a weapon

People with weapons usually survive longer than people without. I’m not suggesting you carry a gun or anything, but at least have some sort of self-defense: penknife, pepper spray, taser, or (if you’re feeling really ambitious), a pencil like John Wick. (Just make sure it’s sharpened first.)

Step 4. Don’t run

You know the expression “You can run, but you can’t hide?” Ya, you can hide. Whether it be in an abandoned ghost town or a big dark forest, just lock yourself in a room or climb a tree. Worst case scenario, you’re back to running… or you’re dead already.

Step 5. Have some preset knowledge

Knowing your enemy and knowing their weakness is probably your biggest advantage towards defeating them. Get a backstory on ‘em. It’s also helpful to have some skills, like setting up traps and knowing how to hotwire a car for a quick escape. It’s not like they are going to have a car as well, right? I don’t know, I’m not the one getting chased.

Step 6. Form yourself a happy ending

It’s always good when an hour or two of calamity and violence is ended on a brighter note. You get back home, you resume your normal job, maybe get coffee with that special someone mentioned earlier, and go to therapy for the rest of your life. What a (relatively) happy ending.

Just follow these simple steps and it will (hopefully) increase your chances of seeing another day this Halloween season.