The Water Theory


Isaac FIshman, Reporter

Such an innocent and unassuming object, the water fountain. So benign in the calm bubbling of water that spews from its spigot. Such a friendly object also makes it the site for a perfect crime. 

Think of a legion of weaponized water fountains, wreaking havoc on an unassuming population of let’s say… High school students. Yes, our very own water fountains, here, at Boise High, are weaponized and I can prove it. But time is of the essence, I don’t know when they’re going to find me.

Every time I walk up to a water fountain, I get a shock, as if there’s an invisible ballpoint pen poking into my fingers. Some of you may think that this is just static electricity, but that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve been shocked by the water spewing from the water fountain. This can only mean one thing. Boise High School is teaming up with water fountains by running live electrical current through them.

As far as I’m concerned, this is the only logical thing to assume. The school/water fountain school order is only coming. We must prepare ourselves for the new world order, the Fountainia Mundo. We can only hide and hope that some opposing force will save us from aquatic tyranny. I am okay in my nuclear basement that I brought from home, but the rest of you might not be as lucky. Isolate yourselves from electrical current. Always carry rubber on you. Be constantly diligent, waiting for an electrical bombardment from the depths of a Fountain Artillery. 

There is one way to stop them, however. In their very originally named Water Fountain Depth Star, there is a vault where they keep their Hive Fountain. The base is designed to defend against larger aircraft, but not against a small fleet of fighter planes. That’s why I’ve located a garbage chute in the outer shell of the station. Let’s say we could get a small plane, a dasani F-20, into the valley by the chute, we could blow up the whole station.

For all those who fear the new world order, resist! They can only do so much to stamp out our individuality. The new leader of the last bastion of humanity, Barack Obama, has been gathering a group of followers by wandering the Badlands looking for settlements of water bottle faring folk. Find him by the Shepherds Crook and past the chicken’s eye, and he will help you into his new promised land, Des moines, Iowa.

I have to run now, I don’t have much time. This is Bomb Bird, signing out.