The Plight of Man

A mandate from the Satanists of literature

Isaac FIshman, Reporter

We all pronounce words differently. You all know the moment when you’re talking with your friends and you’ll say a word and they’ll be like: “No, it’s not pronounced either it’s pronounced either!” So I’ve devised a story that I drew up from the pits of hell to turn you and your friends against each other with malice and hatred towards the pronunciation of your words. From now on, while your reading this article, grab a friend and read it aloud together. 


I love Gifs, I love them so freaking much. I like watching the Giphy’s dance and prance around over again. Whoever invented the Gif is the best person ever, John Gif. But enough about Gifs, I want to talk about my house. It has a lovely foyer with a mauve facade on the northeastern side of the dwelling. The forte of my abode, however, is my nuclear bunker and my library with many niche books and such. I will tell you about them and try to refrain from hyperbole, although I you may find some prejudice towards my collection. 


In my library, I have many different kinds of books, but my forte is books about words that english has borrowed from other cultures. Such books contain explanations for why words like 

colonel, Worcestershire, isthmus, otorhinolaryngology, and antidisestablishmentarianism. My aunt also loves the books that I procure in my library, but now let’s move onto my nuclear bunker, shall we? 


My nuclear bunker is stocked with enough caramel, sherbet and sorbet to last me a lifetime, as well as just about a million little gyros. It also has a cache of espresso beans which will keep me awake even through the arctic nuclear winter. And just in case the mischievous monkey babies steal any of the espresso I have my friend Joanna guarding the door. 


Those features of my little mesa have definitely accentuated my eccentric personality, and thank god for my wife, Eliasa. She has always been my tulip when I have been her turnip. I met her at a gala in February of 1977 in the country of Liechtenstein. I was introduced to her by my good friend Conan and his wife Isla. It was their twelfth year of marriage and their sixth year attending the gala, such an ignominious event it was.


But enough about my wife. I just want to list my favorite words that bring me delight when I say them, and the right way to pronounce them. draught, which is pronounced ‘draught.’ Primer, which is pronounced ‘primer.’ Conch, which is pronounced ‘conch.’ And, last but not least, Coxswain which is pronounced ‘coxswain.’


I absolutely love everything about my life and its precarious dips and dives. Some call me eccentric, others call me a visionary, but you may call me Bomb bird. Signing out.