The Two Worst Pets

If you were thinking of buying something like a killer whale, think again.

Isaac Fishman, Reporter


A lot of people have lovable, adorable pets who offer them nothing but companionship and undying affection. These pets could be cats, dogs and other small, docile animals. But some animals shouldn’t be pets: dangerous animals, animals that can end you and your friends’ time as children and turn you into savages, fighting for your life against the beast you call Ms. Butterbean. Following are examples of the worst pets you could possibly have. If you were thinking of buying something like a killer whale, think again.


Pet #1 Seagull


A seagull is one of the most aggressive and annoying birds. They fly in packs, steal bread that falls on the ground, and squawk aggressively at anyone who comes near them. Imagine one in a small cage that’s way too constrictive for it, and it’s mating season. When you do let it out of its cage, the seagull will aggressively peck at you, thinking you’re a female seagull. As you lie on the floor trying to regain control of Hank, he is feverishly flapping his wings, feathers everywhere, saying “I hate you I hate you I hate you.” in Seagullese. Once you finally get Hank back in his cage, he’s hungry. And so repeats the process of him pounding against the cage yelling “Food food food food food food food.” You hate Hank, and Hank hates you. You are forever bound to carrying for this worthless, filthy bird until it croaks. Every waking moment of your home life will now be filled with the constant squawking of Hank. 


Pet #2 Dragon


At first, a dragon seems like a wonderful pet, a giant mythical beast that can give you rides through the air and has a cool name like Gorgomex, Eater of Men. They could be great pets, if they were not SO much work. 


The living space required for a dragon is vast, unlike Hank the seagull which you can keep in a small cage. Gorgomex simply cannot reside in such a small domain. He needs a cavernous lair, and a huge pile of treasure within it, treasure which he will lord over you brag about constantly. 


Dragons also have terrible manners and never say please or thank you, much less covering their mouth when they burp. And the smell when they burp! It is as if a colony of rats who all had colonies of fleas on their backs went into the dragon’s mouth, died, then were reanimated, then they all farted, and then died again. 


From seagulls to dragons, it is clear that you want to avoid any foul pets not associated without normal, genteel standards. Let this guide be a warning to all who engage in suspicious animal activity.