Velocipastor: a Post-Classical Masterpiece

Not only is it the best movie you’ve never seen, but it is also the worst movie you’ve never seen.

This is one helluva movie- Martin Scorsese

This is one helluva movie- Martin Scorsese

Isaac Fishman, Reporter

When one considers the best movies ever made, a few titles will come to mind: Casablanca, The Godfather, and Citizen Kane, to name a few. But all of these cinematic achievements can be trumped by one hour and fifteen minutes of videographic perfection: The Velocipastor. Not only is it the best movie you’ve never seen, but it is also the worst movie you’ve never seen.

The movie starts as most movies do, with a sermon being given by our hero, Doug, the Priest. The sermon is completely unrelated to the whole film and doesn’t matter in any way, it just starts the film. Do you get it? Of course you do. Haha! Then his parents die. Whoops. Our main character, Doug, the Priest, then seeks consoling from his fellow priest, Father Stewart, who tells him to go where God can’t find him. So Doug’s brain naturally chooses China.

In China, Doug is a complete idiot and wanders into the one part of the country where they still practice dinosaur shapeshifting. Everybody knows to not walk into a den of dinosaur shapeshifters, you learn that in, like, third grade! He ends up getting burned by a Velociraptor tooth that Ghandi touched (?) and gains the power to turn into a Velociraptor.

Doug returns to America and begins to use his power to kill bad people like drug dealers and people under the drug dealers in their power pyramid of drugs. Doug eventually finds a ‘woman of the night’ who was going to get killed by drug guys and she brings him back to her house. They develop a friendship which is very ironic because priests aren’t supposed to have relationships with women. I know what you’re thinking: “Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Priest with a girl, no way!” Yeah way, it’s the Velocipastor bambino.

Doug and the woman, Carol, then proceed to kill ALL the drug dealers. (Heck Yeah) But then there’s Ninjas. Yeah, there’s Ninjas, and they sell drugs. Drug dealing Ninjas? Dinjas? Yep. Doug faces off in a final showdown with the Ninjas and its revealed that Ninja #2 in command is his brother. It’s a great twist, because the film never mentioned in any way that Doug had a brother and it makes no sense, Doug kills his brother. It was very sad, and I cried. A lot. The evil Ninjas were defeated and at last Doug could live peacefully with Carol.

It’s really bad. I’m not even gonna hide it anymore. It’s the longest hour and fifteen minutes of my life. I’ve been trapped in a theater for three years perfecting this article, being threatened constantly by the Ninjas that killed Doug.The poor guy owned a huge pharmacy chain competing with the ninjas, so they had to take him out. They own every drug in the world in a weird, mafia-like syndicate. We have to stop them, I have a secret code that deactivates their whole firewall and… Wait no, they’ve found me out! You have to hurry, the code is…

밖였Velocipastor‮!‬A购买‮’‬غ们‮*:‬药‮*+!‬A‮’‬غ们،O‮’‬ش*ج‮٦٠‬团 Ninjas out.