Metaphorically Dunking on Presidents


Doesn’t John Quincy just scream “fashion” (Library of Congress)

Isaac Fishman, Reporter

Our Presidents, for the most part, are not great men. About a quarter of them owned slaves, and another half of them were just plain old racist. But, one thing we can all agree on is our presidents could be absolute brain-dead idiots sometimes, or wear things that made them look like snow trolls and elves. I’m roasting presidents today, so hold onto your hats folks.


George Washington had the ugliest grill out of all the presidents; he lost his real teeth when he was about forty and lived with fake disgusting ones for the rest of his life. Whenever he would kiss Martha goodnight, she wouldn’t sleep for the next two days!


Ronald Reagan was so boring that he spent the majority of the last three-ish years of his life skimming leaves out of his pool. Secret service agents would place extra leaves in his pool, so he could do nothing all day for years. Someone should’ve shown him how to collect stamps, a far more interesting activity.


Grover Cleveland was such a creep that he married a girl he used to babysit, even telling her when he was in his early forties and she was NINE, “I hope to fancy you some day.” I’m just glad he and Bill Clinton never met. 


John Adams was the only president to live in the White House with no toilets. He would have to run outside to the ‘Presidential Outhouse’ everytime he had to go. Imagine your signing a bill into law and you turn to your staff and say: “I’m sorry everyone, I have to go outside and take a presidential dump.” 


William McKinley was an idiot when it came to geography. When we won the Spanish-American war, his Minister of War came up to him and was like: “Yo McKinley bro we just annexed this sick archipelago called the Philippines!” and McKinley went, “Radical dude… Where’s that?” 


No one liked John Quincy Adams. No, seriously. He was raised by his father with only one purpose in mind: be the president of the United States. And while he did achieve that goal, he had no friends his whole life. His colleagues would often describe him as “cold-hearted” and lacking any social skills. Actually there’s a lot to talk about when it comes to Adams so let me go off on a tangent. 


John Quincy Adams was so lonely that he would skinny dip every day in the Potomac river, even in temperatures that would be well below reasonable human swimming weather. One time a female reporter sat on his clothes and refused to stand up unless he granted her an interview, in which he revealed his true colors and stood in the freezing river for another TWENTY MINUTES without getting out so he didn’t have to talk to anyone, much less a woman. Eventually he did get out of the river, but talk about the original Redditor.


John Quincy Adams is also subject to the greatest blowout in Presidential history, losing every single electoral vote to James Monroe except for one. This was a symbolic vote, but talk about nobody liking you! If this result doesn’t exemplify how much of a loser Adams was, I don’t know what will.


Now that I’m doing roasting the presidents/destroying John Quincy Adams (he had a yee-yee looking haircut too, by the way), I’d like you to ponder how stupid most of our nation’s greatest are. While it’s certainly unfair to put a man’s life under a microscope for the entire time he’s on this Earth, sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at those dumb mutton chops Adam’s had, ohhh baby look at those.