Welcome to this month’s edition of “Who Would Win?”. Last time we saw the epic battle between two of our least favorite billionaires: Jeffery Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. This month, however, it’s time for another installment with all new contestants. 

As per tradition, I must introduce each contestant before the fight begins. I’ll start with the lovely Pope. Personally I’m not Catholic but what I’ve gathered is this man comes from a long line of similar looking old men. Looking at a timeline of the popes, we’ve got quite the range of portraits. Catholicism has been around for so long that not only are the pictures black and white, but most of them are actually paintings. As for our friend Francis himself, let’s see what we can dig up about him. After some brief internet searching I have concluded that this is a man who chooses love and prayer… unless you have pets instead of children. In which case you are selfish in the eyes of God. The Catholic Church has once again proved their love for children.

As for Queen Elizabeth II, where should I start?  First off, the Queen is very much a dog person, having owned over 30 dogs over the course of her life and three currently. However, she does have kids (given the need for heirs), so she’s off the selfish list. I never paid much attention to the royal family until the Megan Markle scandal, so my opinion of the Queen isn’t in the highest regard. But fortunately for her, Harry and Megan made it very clear that the Queen had nothing to do with the racism and blatant disregard for mental health. Whether that’s just what was said or if it’s the truth, only the royals will ever know.

Now it’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for: the fight! The Queen arrives directly on time, wearing a nice light blue button down dress with a floral tophat, as always. Her body guards watch tensely from the side but don’t engage. Five minutes pass, then ten, and the Queen is about to assume the Pope forfeited when trumpets sound in the distance. 

Of course, the Pope needed a grand entrance, and as he arrived he was accompanied by the sound of an entire orchestra riding upon his “Popemobile”. 

He swishes towards the Queen in his elegant robes, and the two opponents shake hands. Someone announces that the fight may begin but the two of them just stand there. Turns out neither of them, in their old age, heard the announcement and were still waiting. Someone goes and whispers it in both of their ears and they get into a fighting stance. 

The Pope makes the first move and lightly smacks the Queen in her shoulder. She stumbles backward, but it’s just a fake-out. As the Pope approaches, apology at the ready, the Queen reveals her secret ninja skills and roundhouses him in the stomach.

Thunder cracks. God is angry. The clouds open up from above the arena and terrifying biblically accurate angels descend from the heavens and holy water rains begin to pour. The angels give the Pope an oxygen tank and a wheely cart as well as a 40 pound sword made of the finest iron in the land. The Pope, now imbued with the power of holiness, slashes at the Queen. Unfortunately, the power of God is not what it used to be since it never really recovered after that whole 95 thesis scandal back in the 90’s. (Now affectionately called “Thesisgate” in Heaven) The power of tea and crumpets, however, is strong.

The Queen blows her dog whistle kept so carefully in her floral hat. The Pope blushes as his mind turns to thoughts less than holy, but he has no time to think because 47 trained attack Corgis come rushing at the Pope, teeth bared, and thirsty for blood. What happens next is not appropriate for this school newspaper, but it’s safe to say, the Queen took the victory royale.