How to Get a Valentine

Now this was a proper valentine gift when I was a child

Now this was a proper valentine gift when I was a child

Isaac Fishman, Managing Editor

Oh darling, so you’ve come to me, your grandmother, on this dreary February morning asking about getting a valentine. Can’t you ask your grandfather? Very well, come sit, granny will tell you everything there is to know about being young and in love. 


When I was a child in Encino, things were much simpler. The news was not all bad, there was such optimism and the men looked MUCH better. Lamenting about my youth reminds me of a little cupcake shop on Sunset Boulevard. Everyday afterschool, I would walk in and buy two cupcakes, one for me and the other for your great uncle Vernest. We would nosh and talk for hours about school, books and… Oh what were we talking about? Valentine’s Day? Forgive me child.


One must know that there is a simple secret to attract anyone. You have to have fun. No one wants to frolic in the fields or play laser tag with someone with a drab, uninteresting personality. They want to be engaged, to love the sophomoric speeches that fall from the mouth of a friend, and that bonding and camaraderie can lead to those becoming more than just simple acquaintances.


When I was just sixteen years old, I was the talk of my class. Those stupid brutes on the football team would fall at my ankles, begging me to give them a chance. But darling, you know me, I’m not about to run away with some hulkish, dimwitted fleshbag of a man. I wanted someone interesting, someone with that flare that makes you want to wrap them up and keep them in your bonnet. For me at my young and tender age, that was Michael Wasterbotte. 


Michael was a sore sight on the eyes, he had a nose the size of Everest and the poor thing was already balding. But by god, he could talk you in circles. I still remember his antics like it was yesterday, his persistence to convince me that I would be his valentine. You know me darling, my standards are and were astronomically high, but I thought it prudent to hear him out after a month of pestering to become more than the acquaintances we already were. He turned out to be my valentine not only when I was sixteen, but seventeen and eighteen as well. He was my first love, when we… well you’ll hear about that when you’re older darling. 


Go now, shoo, Granny needs time for her Tai Chi and yoga. Granny is doing some, how do you kids say it, girlbossing.