Letter From a Nut


A not-very-happy customer of Red Lobster (Zelda Fishman)

Zelda Fishman, Editor-in-Chief

Dear Management,

I am writing this letter because it would be irresponsible for me not to. The health and sanity of your customers are at risk if you make no changes to your establishment. The fact that I even have to write this letter is disappointing. My family has been going here for generations. My great-aunt was proposed to in your very restaurant. We used to be very committed to the Red Lobster management but I cannot say the same anymore. 

It was a Tuesday night, and all was calm. My family was tired, so we decided to order out from your establishment. We got the Seafarer’s feast and let me just say that it gave me a fair amount of food poisoning. We picked up the food and went home to find not just the lobster tail that’s included in the Seafarer’s feast, but a whole lobster. On top of that, this lobster was so al dente that it was moving in the container. We didn’t have any other option for dinner so we decided to take matters into our own hands and cook the lobster ourselves. 

We grabbed the lobster and cut off the ties around the claws to boil it. This is when things took off. The lobster grabbed my mother’s index finger and cut the tip right off. Blood was spurting everywhere and got all over me. Unfortunately, I was wearing my new Gucci belt and I do expect compensation for that. I passed out because blood scares me and I had to be nursed back to health by my brother while my mother was driven to the hospital by my dad. 

We were unable to recover the bit of finger that was chopped off, so my mother is now living with ¾ of an index finger which debilitates her more than you would expect. We ended up boiling the lobster after returning from the hospital and it gave us all food poisoning. I won’t reveal the details, but let’s say it was a bit hard for our family to go through because there are four of us and only two bathrooms within our house. 

All in all, I hope that you compensate us for the failure of the dinner but also, for the Gucci belt. Red Lobster is no longer my pride and joy. You are a disappointment. 


The Fishman Family.