Zelda isn’t just that famous princess from that one video game. She is a real person. And she goes to our school. 

Zelda didn’t just spawn from nowhere. She grew up as an infant, living in L.A. After that, her life had a massive glowdown when she moved to Boise at age 3. She was a triple threat gymnast, ballerina, and tap-dancer. Unfortunately, she was too tall, so she never really stood much of a chance. She shot her shot at soccer on a YMCA team. Her team went undefeated. Unfortunately, this was short lived. Her career came to a stunning halt after one of the two Keatons broke her ankle. 

You’d think that Zelda would have had a special upbringing, but in reality, she grew up in an unnotable, boring family. In one interview, she revealed, “I like my boring family.”

Now to understand what made Zelda the person she is today, you must understand her high points and low points. 

There was a time when Zelda’s life was amazing. At ages 5 and 6, Zelda was doing great. She was having sleepover parties with the cool kids all of the time. She peaked at 12 years old, when she had her Bat Mitzvah. She made a lot of money, and most of all, she had friends. It wasn’t all ponies and rainbows, because that year, Zelda had her biggest regret: she missed the Maroon 5 concert. After her Bat Mitzvah, Zelda’s life was never as exciting. Her last moment of glory, before everything went downhill, was in 9th grade. She was popular and friends with the dream team. She was in the “it” group. Even Alex Studebaker wanted in. 

One her lowest points was 7th grade. Zelda got a questionable bob and decided it was a good idea to wear a teddy coat. Her inspo was celebrity Emma Chamberlain. Somehow, she got herself a short-term boyfriend – a boy-toy. Zelda admits that she is traumatized by her 7th grade self. 

Perhaps Zelda’s most fatal mistake happened in junior year, when she confessed that she was a pathological liar in the newspaper. People violently trembled when they heard her name. All of Zelda’s friends were driven away, until her only friends were Seniors. They all graduated.

Zelda’s life hasn’t been perfect, but she has one thing that most people don’t have – a boyfriend. In her most recent interview, she admitted that her boyfriend is just her type. She likes guys who are tall with brown curly hair. Be warned, she is a self proclaimed gold digger, and she wears the pants in the relationship.

This about sums up her life. She’s not as cool as the videogame character if you ask me, but she’s still pretty cool.