We consulted the stars, the planets, and just about everything else in space to bring you these scarily accurate, out-of-this-world horoscopes!

Capricorn:

(Dec 22 – Jan. 21)

You’re hardworking, but sometimes stubborn. Occasionally this is good. Occasionally it is not. It’s up to you to figure that out.

Aquarius:

(Jan. 22 – Feb. 21)

You may be an air sign, but you’re in no way an airhead. It never hurts to slow down that thought process and take a breather. Especially when you’re suffocating. Just saying.

Pisces:

(Feb. 22 – Mar. 21)

As a water sign, you tend to go with the flow. Sometimes, this can be a good thing. Other times, you find yourself stuck under a log in a creek in a forest shouting for help.

Aries:

(Mar. 22 – Apr. 21)

Look up once in a while. But not too far up. You know why.

Taurus:

(Apr. 22 – May 21)

You’re an earth sign, so you’re pretty grounded. It’s time to change that. Also, beware of Scorpio.  

Gemini:

(May 22 – Jun. 21)

You’re a dynamic individual, and can be over the top. Just remember to sometimes be under the top, like if you’re in a limbo contest.

Cancer:

(Jun. 22 – Jul. 21)

You’re a pretty sensitive person, so maybe close your eyes? That way you’re only a ⅘ sensitive person.

Leo:

(Jul. 22 – Aug. 21)

You’re a lion, so roar! Let it all out! It’s never good to bottle up your emotions. Except for that one time.

Virgo:

(Aug. 22 – Sep. 21)

You’re a very clever person. Perhaps too clever. Try watching the paint dry once in a while. It’s a nice shade of beige.

Libra:

(Sep. 22 – Oct. 21)

You’re super indecisive, like, all the time. Make a choice. But not that one.  

Scorpio:

(Oct. 22 – Nov. 21)

You radiate power, just like something that too radiates power. Like a power-radiator. Additionally, your Taurus friend could use a little help. Lend them a hand.

Sagittarius:

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

As a fire sign, you sometimes forget to extinguish your flame. Don’t worry, you’ll still be warm, just not as warm as you were. That’s too hot. Like, Florida hot.