Boise Highlights

Medical Professionals Attempt to Combat Cold That Just Won’t End

Solenne de Tassigny, Editor-in-Chief

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The winter of 2017 gave way to a flu epidemic of unpredictable proportions that spilled over into 2018. Doctors and researchers across the United States have been working tirelessly to combat what experts are referring to as “The Common Cold But Much Much More Irritating”.

While a cure has not been discovered and the vaccines are hardly effective, researchers are offering highly scientific advice on how to prevent vulnerable citizens from falling victim to the 21 century Bubonic Plague.

Head of research at the Scientists Interested in Controlling Colds (SICC), Dr.Bradley Martin, has offered a few preventative measures everyone can take to try and combat this dragging on epidemic.

“Personally I’ve been sick 3 times since December and, in my expert opinion, complaining to my colleagues about how horrible I felt kept me from passing on my illness to them. Although, looking back on it now, this is likely due to the fact they no longer talked to me because all I would do was complain.” Dr. Martin stated before describing his symptoms in great detail.

“I never thought that the sniffles would cause the downfall of the relationships I had spent years creating.” Dr. Martin commented before wiping snot across his the sleeve of his dress shirt.

Those who have taken the advice of Dr. Martin have commented on the effectiveness of this preventative measure, stating that it is foolproof but they miss their friends.

Dr. Martin has also offered several other tactics to help combat the worst common cold in centuries. His research has led him to conclude that simple tasks like hand washing and staying home when sick are “not effective and a waste of time at this point”.

He went on to state that the chances of individuals that attend school or interact socially at any point of the day are inevitably going to become ill and should “live their best life and hope that they won’t be infected next”.

High school senior, Chad Brookings, commented on his methods to combat the flu.

“My original tactic was to just stay home from school, but after a week and having F’s in all my classes I decided to change my strategy. Now I’m failing all of my classes but at school this time.”

Dr. Martins colleague and former office crush, Dr. Miranda Sandberg, conducted a study on a group of high school students to analyze the methods of prevention and remedies being used by the youth.

“The students that were already ill and bothered to attend school would combat their illnesses with cough drops. So many cough drops! I don’t think they realize that they aren’t a substitute for actual medication.”

Specialists are continuing to research this mild epidemic in attempt to finally put an end to the flu that just won’t seem to stop.

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Medical Professionals Attempt to Combat Cold That Just Won’t End